What is Sex?

Sex is constantly being fed to us in various forms of media or is somehow always lingering in our daily lives- and I am not simply referring to the 16 year old boy on hormone overload, on the contrary, I'm referring to the average individual such as you...or me.  Sex is everywhere; its in the his & her KY commercials that interrupt our Modern Family episodes, in those "miracle little blue pill" commercials that randomly follow the morning or late night local news, it's written into our favorite shows within the flirtatious play of our favorite TV show hero and leading lady, its in the Carl's Jr. Commercial featuring a mythological deity having created the perfect burger and his harem of goddesses devouring the burger in tiny outfits and a highly suggestive manner...It's everywhere.  But for a topic that almost runs our social surroundings, we know very little about it.

For many sex is a pleasurable purely physical experience, for others its a way of expressing your feelings to your partner...However, as Mr. Stanley Siegel points out; no one thinks or talks about what actually occurs during sex.  For Siegel, sex "...is the doorway into our deepest psyche.”  He outlines that often our unmet childhood wants and needs become sexualized as we mature and manifested in our adulthood.    He emphasizes that "our true sexual desires emerge out of an unconscious attempt to work through deep-seated feelings.”  This might sound slightly stereotypical and perhaps even Freudian, and if you're not a fan of Freud (like me) you're knee-jerk response might be to be offended or immediately disagree.  However, if you stop to think about what Siegel is really saying; you realize he makes a very strong case.  For example, you don't need to suffer from the classic Daddy Issues to find that you have a Damsel in Distress or Rescue fantasy.  On the contrary, it may be as simple as you grew up extremely self-reliant and independent and learned to fend for yourself; therefore, your sexual fantasy evolved into a desire for someone to take care of you and "rescue you," so to speak.  On the other side of the coin you may have grown up in a happy home but a financially and economically struggling one; so as a child you may have grown to admire your family's ability to "make do," and perhaps even developed a sense of helplessness for not being able to change their circumstances.  For this reason as a child you may fancy yourself a superhero who changes their lives or may vow to make a lot of money so you can give it to your family, thus resulting in a "Rescuer sexual role" or a role in which you protect and provide for your partner.  As you can see, the childhood experience may not always be an extreme traumatic one; but our childhood experiences do mark us, so it makes sense that it would affect our sexual self.

However, for Siegel, in order to begin to understand the depth of Sex and how we relate to it as our sexual selves, it is crucial to examine what happens DURING sex.
But more on that later ;) For now, your thoughts? What is sex to you?


N

Conversations on Sexual Compatibility....

I was reading an article by Psychotherapist and Lecturer Stanley Siegel today, addressing what happens in a relationship when sex leaves the equation...  It would seem that the obvious answer is that lack of sexual compatibility in a relationship would kill it---In no way am I saying that sex is the only thing that matters in your relationship, but let's face it: it is a very important component.  However, Siegel suggests that often issues one finds in our sexual compatibility with our partner stem from our inability to communicate our desires and even deeper still; our lack of awareness of our own sexual identities.  I would be inclined to trace this to our continued struggle to remove the social taboos regarding introducing sex into our conversations.  As, Siegel informs his patients: sex doesn't just "happen"- Much like the other facets of your relationship; it takes strong and clear communication... More on this to come...

In the meantime, I'm curious to hear from you out there- Do you communicate your sexual needs/desires with your partner? How often do you openly discuss sex? Have you ever?

--Nahyr