Today I sporadically decided to revisit Robert C. Solomon's About Love, a book I had bought as a requisite for my Philosophy of the Emotions class in college. Before proceeding, I should probably mention that I have long since believed Love (any love, but romantic love specially), to be an active decision. I have never believed in the idea of "love at first sight," or bought into the growing trend that love is a series of chemicals released in our brains to stimulate the respective areas that catalyze the feelings we associate with Love. Instead, I have always believed that love is a conscious decision and therefore, much more complex and intricate. I of course didn't know how to eloquently describe my theory yet. That is, until I was introduced to bell hooks' On Love, but more on that later. For Solomon as well, Romantic Love is a decision, or series of decisions. He negates it as something that just "happens" or that we "fall into" and further states in his book, "it does not arbitrarily 'hit us'" (pg. 47 About Love) and that "If Love is to last it has to be a continuous choice..." (pg. 45) It is my perspective that while the initial attraction might be accidental or unexpected, the act of loving is a choice. To support Love as a choice, Solomon introduces a key component that separates Romantic Love from all other types of love or simple relationships and that is that Romantic Love entails the "redefining of the self in terms of another" (pg. 47) In order to Love romantically one must be able and willing to redefine ourselves in term of our partner. In this way, Love is paradoxical; as Solomon has pointed out to us- Two completely different people, with different habits, upbringing, beliefs, backgrounds, and overal identities are fused into one. Two completely independent individuals merge into one harmonious entity.
I remember reading Plato's Symposium and having a fundamental issue with Aristophane's speech as it greatly depicted humans as being in constant search of our "other half." Aristophane's essentially stated that until we found our half and became "whole again," we would remain miserable. However, I firmly disagree with this notion. I don't believe that you become whole upon finding your "other half," nor do I believe that this would make you happy. On the contrary, it is my humble opinion that until you discover yourself and are a complete person on your own; you will not be prepared for the decision to engage yourself in Romantic Love. I am more of the opinion that Romantic Love exists successfully when two already complete people decide to redefine themselves, as Solomon writes, in terms of one another much like two atoms bonding to create a completely different molecular structure whilst maintaining their chemical integrity (pg. 65). However, it is important to note that in Romantic Love, where Solomon (and I for that matter) is concerned, neither one of the two compromises their identity, alike the atoms, but instead form a new version of themselves together while maintaining who they are outside of Romantic Love.
In further examination of Romantic Love as an active emotion, Solomon suggests that often we misconceive Love for the feelings associated with Love. Solomon stresses that it is important to note that Love is an emotion and not a feeling. For example, I might feel the proverbial "butterflies in my stomach" when I see the object of my admiration, or I might feel a slight chill down my spine when he looks at me, etc.. However, I should not mistake these feelings for Love. I do not Love this individual until I have assumed some risk of rejection or established recognition. Love demands reciprocity, therefore, until it has been given a chance to be rejected or recognized it cannot possibly constitute Love. Furthermore, these feelings don't result of Love but instead Love results in these feelings. Until Love becomes an active choice, what I have just described is Infatuation. For Solomon, it is important to resist the addiction of these feelings we endanger making the re-creation of those pleasurable feelings our focus, rather than love itself. Solomon illustrates that Love is pleasurable only when actually loving. While this might seem rudimentary to most of us, as creatures of pleasure we can and often have been guilty of perpetuating fantasies, crushes, infatuations, etc for the sake of the feelings of exhilaration, excitement, anticipation, and so forth. Solomon even translates this important distinction to the act of love-making by saying, "...there are few worse lover than those who see orgasm as the goal of making love instead of the physical culmination of an activity that is thoroughly endowed-from first caress to morning coffee-with meaning and significance." (pg. 80)
I find that this notion really resonates with me. Love is only pleasurable and exciting when you are fully engaged in the actual activity, be it love-making, supporting each other through school, careers, and children, or simply cuddling in front of your favorite show.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
What is Sex?
Sex is constantly being fed to us in various forms of media or is somehow always lingering in our daily lives- and I am not simply referring to the 16 year old boy on hormone overload, on the contrary, I'm referring to the average individual such as you...or me. Sex is everywhere; its in the his & her KY commercials that interrupt our Modern Family episodes, in those "miracle little blue pill" commercials that randomly follow the morning or late night local news, it's written into our favorite shows within the flirtatious play of our favorite TV show hero and leading lady, its in the Carl's Jr. Commercial featuring a mythological deity having created the perfect burger and his harem of goddesses devouring the burger in tiny outfits and a highly suggestive manner...It's everywhere. But for a topic that almost runs our social surroundings, we know very little about it.
For many sex is a pleasurable purely physical experience, for others its a way of expressing your feelings to your partner...However, as Mr. Stanley Siegel points out; no one thinks or talks about what actually occurs during sex. For Siegel, sex "...is the doorway into our deepest psyche.” He outlines that often our unmet childhood wants and needs become sexualized as we mature and manifested in our adulthood. He emphasizes that "our true sexual desires emerge out of an unconscious attempt to work through deep-seated feelings.” This might sound slightly stereotypical and perhaps even Freudian, and if you're not a fan of Freud (like me) you're knee-jerk response might be to be offended or immediately disagree. However, if you stop to think about what Siegel is really saying; you realize he makes a very strong case. For example, you don't need to suffer from the classic Daddy Issues to find that you have a Damsel in Distress or Rescue fantasy. On the contrary, it may be as simple as you grew up extremely self-reliant and independent and learned to fend for yourself; therefore, your sexual fantasy evolved into a desire for someone to take care of you and "rescue you," so to speak. On the other side of the coin you may have grown up in a happy home but a financially and economically struggling one; so as a child you may have grown to admire your family's ability to "make do," and perhaps even developed a sense of helplessness for not being able to change their circumstances. For this reason as a child you may fancy yourself a superhero who changes their lives or may vow to make a lot of money so you can give it to your family, thus resulting in a "Rescuer sexual role" or a role in which you protect and provide for your partner. As you can see, the childhood experience may not always be an extreme traumatic one; but our childhood experiences do mark us, so it makes sense that it would affect our sexual self.
However, for Siegel, in order to begin to understand the depth of Sex and how we relate to it as our sexual selves, it is crucial to examine what happens DURING sex.
But more on that later ;) For now, your thoughts? What is sex to you?
N
For many sex is a pleasurable purely physical experience, for others its a way of expressing your feelings to your partner...However, as Mr. Stanley Siegel points out; no one thinks or talks about what actually occurs during sex. For Siegel, sex "...is the doorway into our deepest psyche.” He outlines that often our unmet childhood wants and needs become sexualized as we mature and manifested in our adulthood. He emphasizes that "our true sexual desires emerge out of an unconscious attempt to work through deep-seated feelings.” This might sound slightly stereotypical and perhaps even Freudian, and if you're not a fan of Freud (like me) you're knee-jerk response might be to be offended or immediately disagree. However, if you stop to think about what Siegel is really saying; you realize he makes a very strong case. For example, you don't need to suffer from the classic Daddy Issues to find that you have a Damsel in Distress or Rescue fantasy. On the contrary, it may be as simple as you grew up extremely self-reliant and independent and learned to fend for yourself; therefore, your sexual fantasy evolved into a desire for someone to take care of you and "rescue you," so to speak. On the other side of the coin you may have grown up in a happy home but a financially and economically struggling one; so as a child you may have grown to admire your family's ability to "make do," and perhaps even developed a sense of helplessness for not being able to change their circumstances. For this reason as a child you may fancy yourself a superhero who changes their lives or may vow to make a lot of money so you can give it to your family, thus resulting in a "Rescuer sexual role" or a role in which you protect and provide for your partner. As you can see, the childhood experience may not always be an extreme traumatic one; but our childhood experiences do mark us, so it makes sense that it would affect our sexual self.
However, for Siegel, in order to begin to understand the depth of Sex and how we relate to it as our sexual selves, it is crucial to examine what happens DURING sex.
But more on that later ;) For now, your thoughts? What is sex to you?
N
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Conversations on Sexual Compatibility....
I was reading an article by Psychotherapist and Lecturer Stanley Siegel today, addressing what happens in a relationship when sex leaves the equation... It would seem that the obvious answer is that lack of sexual compatibility in a relationship would kill it---In no way am I saying that sex is the only thing that matters in your relationship, but let's face it: it is a very important component. However, Siegel suggests that often issues one finds in our sexual compatibility with our partner stem from our inability to communicate our desires and even deeper still; our lack of awareness of our own sexual identities. I would be inclined to trace this to our continued struggle to remove the social taboos regarding introducing sex into our conversations. As, Siegel informs his patients: sex doesn't just "happen"- Much like the other facets of your relationship; it takes strong and clear communication... More on this to come...
In the meantime, I'm curious to hear from you out there- Do you communicate your sexual needs/desires with your partner? How often do you openly discuss sex? Have you ever?
--Nahyr
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